february twenty-fourth..

hi everyone, or at least ash and chelsea, the two people i know actually read this. today's been a pretty good day so far. I got up and went and worked out with tiff this morning. sadly, that means the elliptical as i'm still trying to be patient and wait for my foot to feel normal so i can run again. but, i know that this is better than pushing through it and hurting it again. so i'm taking it in strides (no pun intended, okay well a little..i kind of like them). other than that, i also visited with my grandma and caroline for a while. and then came back, took a shower and now we're about to go to beth's tennis match and then fca later.

but, one of the main things i want to share for today is my biggest struggle lately. being self-reliant. i've recently gained some weight...about twelve pounds. now, most of you know me. i'm extremely self-controlled and i will admit a calorie counter. so how does this happen? this is how. I started to think I was in control, I began to rely on myself in this area of my life and no longer allowed the Lord to be apart of it. And that NEVER works. I realized after Christmas break that i'd began to gain weight and i kept seeking out answers in diets and more exercise, but never in prayer and petition to the Lord. I don't know why, but I just never really thought the Lord cared about that, so I didn't see why He would want to help me with such a trivial thing. Anyway, no matter what i did, it just wasn't working. So, I went to the doctor to seek out more answers. And come to find out, my thyroid is underactive and hasn't been functioning properly. which basically means that despite the fact that i've been doing right, my metabolism has been working slower than the normal persons and not burning off the calories that it should be. what a wake up call! It became evident to me, when i got these results a week or so ago, that this was a message from the Lord. I cannot become content and in control. I must be in a constant state of surrender to Him, and if I'm not He holds the power to change my circumstances to get me where I need to be. Now, I'm back to square one. Despite that the problem has been answered, I now have to diet to get the weight back off. And this is something that I'm doing only through the Lord. I've thought of a couple of options to make sure I'm making God a part of this process in my life, but I'm not entirely sure which method to take, i'm praying about it and i hope you pray about it also. I know this is my plan- twelve pounds in six weeks. that means an average of 2 pounds per weeks and a deficit of 1000 calories a day. I'll do this by cutting back my calories between 1,200 to 1,400 calories a day and cardio from 30 min. to an hour each day as well as strength training.

1. The daniel fast- I've considered doing this, but i'm not completely sure that weight loss is a good reason to do it, although I do like that it's radical enough that I'd be completely reliant on the Lord to do so.

2. Prayer and food journal- sort of a mix between a food log and prayer journal. Not only will I right all the food down that I eat before i eat it, but i'll also praise God for it. For His provision to sustain me and in doing so hopefully I'll be in constant communion with Him and in awareness of the food I need versus the food I want.

I'm still not entirely sure which option is best, which one will allow me the greatest success- less weight and more of the Lord's presence. I think that's something I just have to be in prayer about. But, my adventure starts tomorrow and I just ask that you all pray for me. That I be in a constant place where I realize that the Lord is in control over all aspects and that I would just give it to Him and allow my goals to be accomplished in His will and in His timing.

day twenty-five.

what's in your bag?

well, i maybe one of the only girls who doesn't actually really carry one. i kind of hate purses, i have two that i'll even begrudgingly use and beyond that i could honestly care less for them. so i can't entirely tell you what's in it, but i can tell you what would be in it. or the items you'd most likely find.

1. cell phone

2. pen

3. gum

4. journal

5. Bible

6. Keys

7. some odd assortment of money (change, dollars)

8. dental floss- that is completely serious.

9. ponytail holder

10. bobby pins

february twenty-first (not really).

So, I'm sorry everyone...I'm going to document the past few days in one single post on the account of I've been sick and mostly chained to my bed. So my life has been relatively unproductive. But, I'll share all the same.

Monday (21st)-woke up, didn't feel so great. Went to the gym. Felt worse. Came back home. Slept, drew and painted then watched TV for a little while and read.

Tuesday (22nd)- Felt fairly terrible. Went to the doctor, got some medicine and not one, but two shots. though they helped, it still was not exactly ideal. After that, I came back home and slept because those shots seriously take it out of you. and then, i woke up watched a little tv, went to see caroline and catherine and started a new day.

Wednesday (23rd)- finally, my life is turning around. I got up yesterday at 7ish to work out with tiff, and it was great. sometimes I forget that I love just waking up early and getting things accomplished during the day. After that, I went home took a shower, cleaned and read a little and then went to Caroline's until church. Church was so wonderful, mostly because I'd been cooped up in the house for the past couple of days and anything to counteract that was just such a blessing. Also, I got to see jonathan, who was a leader in my group at survivor and it was just really nice to be able to catch up with him and hear how he and his wife mandie are doing. after church, we went back to caroline's and just hung out for awhile. always good times.

So basically, over the past few days the Lord has been teaching me about the one thing that bro. Billy spoke about on wednesday. PASSION .it's crazy, because sometimes I'm this completely dedicated, over the top person and then sometimes, i just lack motivation. i really need to get to the place where i am not reliant on a source of momentum to keep me focused, but out of an unwavering passion that isn't contingent upon the amount or lack of time i've spent with the Lord. I'm praying and seeking to be in a place where each day is not simply or does not simply feel likethe continuation of the next, but a new day in the Lord. Pray for me for that please!!

Prayer for others- Jonathan and Mandie. They are moving to Douglasville from Macon and moving is always such a tough transition. And even though the Lord is good, and He is faithful, it's still hard to be uprooted sometimes and maintain a spirit of contentment and praise throughout that. So I just ask that you would pray that they would just be in constant gratitude and be open to the new opportunities the Lord is bringing into their lives.

day twenty-four.

a letter to your parents...

i know you think i don't let you in. that i'm distant and independent and we're not really that close. and honestly, i can't tell you any different than that. but that has nothing to do with the two of you as much as it has to do with me and who i am. i love and respect you both immensely and am so grateful that you are the two people that the Lord put in this position of authority over my life, but i wish you could understand that who i am has nothing to do with who you are or who you've been. i'm not sure why i like to keep to myself, or why i don't share my life with you like some kids do. i can't offer an explanation, because truthfully i don't have one. it's just who i am. i'm so grateful that the two of you haven't tried to change me, that you've respected it and grown from given me instruction to counsel as i've gotten older. but, nonetheless i know this hurts you. i know it's not easy for you to understand that my silence or lack of openness is affection in my own warped way, but it is. i wish i could make you understand that, but i can't. so i suppose, if there were one thing i could say to you, it'd be that i love you both and i'm so proud of each of you and i couldn't have asked God for a better family.

february twentieth...

so today, i went to sunday school and church. came home, ate lunch and took a nap. went back to discipleship and church. talked to a friend for awhile and then came back home. so needless to say, it's been a good day of worship, being in the Word and rest. and days like this really allow me to think about the things that God is doing and teaching me in my life and I want to share a few of those and let me just saw my main praise for today is God's power and ability to not only show me my faults, but correct them. that is so cool.

1. self-image: He's showing me who He made me to be and that He finds me beautiful and because of that I must believe I am, even if I don't feel that way.

2. patience: I'm having a hard time really trusting the Lord in a specific area and I think that is leading me to be impatient. I have to constantly remind myself that the Lord's timing is not my own and that it is better, but to experience His plans I must purse patience.

3. will and dedication: just two things I really need to work on and pray about and applicable to many different areas.

praise: my friend allyson got baptized today! yay :) I'm so so so so proud of what the Lord has been doing in her life lately and how much her relationship with Him has grown.

someone to pray for: my brother...i just pray that he is being encouraged and committed to restoring his relationship with the Lord.

prayer for me: i've just felt terrible the past few days and I just ask for healing and restoration.

day twenty-three.

something you crave alot...

when i first read this, i saw crave and i immediately thought of food cravings. but,i'm not a big food craver. i don't crave that so much as i do other things. and the more i thought about it, the more i realized that i crave perfection. not in the sense of being perfect, i know that is impossible and only one man did and ever was. but, perfection in the sense of the best that i can be. now, to some, this seems smart, reasonable even. but it isn't. because when i don't attain that, or when i let my own self down i become dissatisfied with who i am. i know that's something the Lord is trying to break and rid me of. I'm slowly really understanding that it is not important how perfect i can become, but how i can bring others to the One who is. it's tough, but He's helping me work on it.

february nineteenthish..

yesterday i spent the entirety of the day laying in bed, unable to do much of anything. finally around twoish, i took a shower, and then went to caroline's house. where she, timmy, and i watched the svu marathon from seven until probably twelve and then we played rummy. it was fun, but i was also exhausted just from feeling poorly.

my big prayer for yesterday was mrs. kathy. she left yesterday to go to liberia for ten days with a medical missions team. and as i was in prayer for her throughout the day, i felt like the Lord was dealing with me on being comfortable. i'd like to say i'd jump at the chance to go to Liberia, but the truth is, though i'd probably go, i'd be terrified. but, that isn't what the Lord calls us to be. What do we have to fear, what can man do to us? What awaits us if far better than what we have already, so even the worst someone can do to us here will still result in the best for us. I think the Lord is just slowly working on the fact that I need to let go of some of the comfort and control that I cling to and just completely allow Him to take that fear away and replace it with courage.

day twenty-two.

what makes you different from everyone else?

ha, wow. sometimes i feel like everything. i tend to dress really differently, so there's that. i kind of have this whole awkward vibe sometimes, especially if you don't know me that well. so that's really something that most people don't understand about me. but the biggest and most important thing is that the Holy Spirit lives in me. And because of that, I am a new creation. I do not belong to this world, but to the Creator of it. That is what drives me to do what I do, to behave how I behave and to pursue the things I do. I do it all to bring glory to my King, not through my strength, but through the strength that He gives to me. That's really all there is. And is my hope that we would all want to be different in this way, that'd we all want to be made new. I pray that that would be each of our hearts desires. And that everyone would no longer be different because we would all seek to be set apart.

february eighteenthish...

so it's sunday. this post was for friday. i'm terrible, i know. but friday was great. i'll give you some highlights.

1. got to see my friend chelsea. i haven't seen her in forever and it was so great just to be able to spend some time with her.

2. babysat some kids at church which was all in all a pretty fun time.

3. played cards at caroline's house. always good times.

i'm keeping the days i missed short to catch up. i didn't mean to miss them, but i've been sick these past few days and just really have not felt great at all, and haven't had much energy to do anything. but i'm still trying. oh and i do remember on friday i heard a really awesome verse...

"The Lord will fight for you; all you need is to be still." -exodus 14:14....how cool is that?

day twenty-one.

something that makes you gleeful- these people. love them.

february seventeenth...

today, i went to the gym and did some stuff for schools that i'm applying to for the fall. i also talked to some ladies that i used to work with. after that, i went up to the school and waited for caroline and chaley and then we all went to the FCA banquet. The food was really good and it was a lot of fun, but it was the football coach at toombs that really made me think about something. there was a verse that he referenced that i cannot recall, but anyway it talks about glasses being empty and being full. and the problem is that we focus on the full glass. on what we have and the things that will fade and have no eternal value. this is a problem because it causes us to lose sight of the cup that is empty, on the one that is yet to be filled, and the one whose place is in Heaven. That really convicted me because i know there are so many times in my own life where my focus isn't on Heavenly treasures, but on earthly toys. On things that will fade away, not things that will last forever. I just need to remember that more often, and hold myself accountable to that. Because it is easy to get caught up, but easy isn't an excuse.

prayer for others:

1. caroline- she's dealing with some family stuff and the Lord is just giving her a chance to make a choice and just listen for Him. And i pray that she would just be open to allow Him to work in whichever medium He chooses and that she would make the best of what He allows and bring Him glory in that.

2. ashley is fasting tomorrow to prepare for mrs. kathy's mission trip to liberia. so i just ask that you would give her strength tomorrow in order to resist food and instead of a desire for that that she would just have a dependence on the Lord. Also, Mrs. Bill is sick and it's just not a good time for that. So i just pray that the Lord would heal Him if it's His will.

prayer for me: just pray. it's always needed. ALWAYS.

day twenty.

someone you see yourself marrying in the future:

this question is really weird, because i can actually think of an example. but instead, i'll give you a description.

I want someone who makes me love the Lord more. Whose heart beats and breaks for the Father and whose life is a manifestation of that Holy Spirit living in them. I want a spiritual leader and a man after God's own heart. Also, if he could be funny, intelligent and taller than me, that'd be an extra plus. But, what is more important is that I shouldn't worry about who I see myself marrying. It's not about me. It's about God, and His plan and partner for me is far better and more glorious than anything I can imagine myself. I'm looking for the Lord, and the only way I'm going to marry anyone is if they're also seeking the Father and from there He can unfold His plan in His timing.

It's just so much better that way.

february sixteenth...

so i'm a day late. but yesterday let's see. Well i spent a large amount of the day at the gym, mostly because some older ladies came in and wanted some help figuring out how to use the equipment, and that was actually really entertaining. helping people in any small way just really brings me joy, but more importantly when I'm doing it with God in the center, it brings Him glory and that's just that much better.

After that, I took a shower and then went to church. The worship last night was incredible for me. We sang a lot of songs that the Lord just really speaks to me through and I just felt His presence so strongly last night. Then, Brother Billy talked about the things we need to have to really make and impact for God. And one of the big ones for me, was fearlessness. We must be fearless in order to make an impact. I think sometimes I just enjoy being comfortable and the prospect of going outside of that leads me to operate on the basis of fear and not out of obedience and that is something that I do not want for my life because I know it is not part of the Lord's plan for my life. After church, we went back to Caroline's house and had cake for Landon's 16th birthday. He's really turning into a really great kid and I'm so excited to see how the Lord is going to use him. all in all, good night filled with worship, learning, and fellowship.

prayer for me: there's a person recently who is just really getting on my nerves and i just really need prayer on how to be patient and deal with this person and love them and see what parts of God He has placed in them instead of dwelling on what I don't like.

prayer for others: there's a boy in our youth group who I talked with last night who is just really struggling with relationships and i just ask that you would pray for him to just be content in the Lord and trust Him to write His love story and not take matters into his own hands, but instead, trust that the Lord is good.

day nineteen.

nicknames you have and why you have them:

1.em- people are lazy, and apparently even emily can be shortened. but i like em, so it works.

2. emmy pooh- my cousin catherine gave me this name when she was probably four. somehow it's stuck. she's sixteen now.

3. pookie- honestly, no idea. i started calling my brother this when i was probably seven. my brother in return also called me pookie. now my dad calls us both pookie. it's so strange i'm not even going to try and explain it to you.

4. em jim- terrance gave me this nickname in sixth grade. because he said that i remind him of a slim jim.

5. emily elizabeth- my first and middle name, and also because i happen to be the namesake of a certain owner of a big red dog.

..yes, i was a day late on this post.

february fifteenth...

my heart is too full to really write tonight. today was thomas's funeral and it was hard. but it was also glorious. he was such a testimony and a witness for the Lord. He touched so many lives in just sixteen years, including mine. I am so blessed that God allowed our paths to cross even for such a brief time. During his funeral, this was said:

"When I grow up, I want to be like Thomas."

That is powerful. What a testament to a life and to a person. And I fully agree, except I don't want to be like Thomas when I grow up, I want to be like him now. Fully seizing each moment of every day with no regrets and giving glory to the Lord. I know He's with Jesus right now having the best time of his life and I couldn't be happier for him. What a sweet boy and servant, I can't imagine the rejoicing going on in Heaven right now.

day eighteen...

plans/dreams/goals that you have:

Generic:

1. To live like Thomas.

2. To glorify my Father.

3. To expand His Kingdom.

Specific:

1. Go on a mission trip.

2. Write a book.

3. Give selflessly everyday.

4. Read the Bible all the way through every two years.

5. Stay in contact with those I meet.

6. Serve in any way possible.

7. To be a woman like Anna, praying without ceasing.

february fourteenth...

valentines day. two words, one holiday (that's questionable). it's natural to think about relationships on this day, rather that be your own or lack there of. and if there is a deficiency there, i think it's normal to feel alone or slightly anxious for a day in which you aren't. however, i was reminded today of something that a friend said to me yesterday:

"you don't have to wait until you meet the person that God has planned for you to love them. Wake up each day and love them the same as you would if you already knew them. honoring that person begins now, your love story is beginning."

so maybe it wasn't quite that poetic, it was coming from a guy after all, but nonetheless that's pretty much what he said. and how cool is that to think about? that the Lord has designed one person distinctly for us and that we should live each day awaiting the creation that He crafted to complete us. so today, while everyone was fretting over gifts, significant other or utter loneliness, I feasted on the love my Lord has lavished upon me and the gift He will provide for me in the husband that He is molding for me now. I was reminded constantly today, that just as the Lord is molding him for me, I also need to allow Him to mold me for the moment that we meet so that we will be the couple that He designed us to be, starting by being the individuals that He created us as. So I resist having a valentine on this day, because I await my real valentine, the one whom I will spend my life with. Until then, I will be content in the love my Lord has for me.

"I have loved thee with an everlasting love."- Jeremiah 31:3.

please please please pray for the family and friends of Thomas Goodson. Today was his visitation and as hard as that was tomorrow is the funeral. I along with mrs. kelly and caroline are going to dublin tomorrow to attend, and I just ask that you lift them up and continue to do so. the grieving doesn't end when the services are over, this is something that will drastically alter their lives and prayer is just an evident need in their life. thanks so much, love you all. goodnight and sweet dreams.

day seventeen.

Someone you want to switch lives with for a day: I'm doing this in the context of celebrities, just so I could narrow it down a bit. But I still couldn't pick just one. So the following three women, are in my opinion, some of the most genuine stars today and ones that I admire.

Minka Kelly- putting the roomate aside, I loved her in Friday Night Lights and the fact that she is never afraid to be photographed looking laid back and not always done up. She seems really down to earth.

Emma Watson- ironically, I wouldn't want to trade lives with her for a day for her claim to fame through Harry Potter. Though a plus, I love the fact that she attends Brown University- a college that I absolutely love and am applying to. In addition, I really love her style. So unique, but very tasteful.

Anne Hathaway- one of the most beautiful and strong female actresses in my opinion. Why wouldn't I want to be her for a day?

february thirteenth..

i really just love sundays. there's something about just spending the day in fellowship and just being refreshed for the week that is to come. the Lord has shown me a lot today about the faults in my own life. I'm realizing that I need to be more radical, that I need to quit being complacent and push myself to do more for God. Brother Mike spoke about living radically today, based off of the story of David and Goliath. The truth is is that the Lord wants us all to be David's. To give Him the giants of today and trust that He will equip us to fight them tomorrow. Bro. Mike said something today that really struck me. He said that if Goliath would've beaten David then David's story would have been no less of an example of God' faithfulness, because God still showed up. It got me wondering if I really think that way. If I truly believe that just God's presence is the miracle. I think sometimes we get so caught up in the end result that we forget that the Lord doesn't care about that. Our results are not His and we can't live expecting Him to fulfill those just because we are being obedient to Him. I need to realize that in my life. That obedience is all that matters and the end results are entirely up to His discretion. That's an area of my life that I just need to trust the lord in, that he would be able to sustain my strength. Besides this, some other really good things happened today:

- i took a nap, it was wonderful, because i didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

- i think God has placed a wonderful new friend in my life and I got to talk to him tonight about a lot of things and it was such a blessing to see how the Lord is working in His life and just be able to pray for him about something specific.

- we had a pancake supper tonight after church, and caleb and i held down the drink table. good times!

prayer for others: thomas goodson's family and friends. The visitation is tomorrow and the funeral is tuesday. they just really need peace right now as well as comfort. also, another friend is just really struggling with a situation. he just needs prayer of peace and contentment and understanding and that he wouldn't allow his flesh to get in the way of His testimony and love for the Lord.

prayer for me: this stuff with thomas has been pretty difficult, but i also really need to work on discipling myself. so i just ask for prayer in that area.

goodnight everyone, sweet dreams!

day sixteen.

things you've learned, but still don't understand:

1. age doesn't define death. it can capture the young in the same ways it captures the old.

2. friends can grow apart no matter how close or invincible those friendships sometimes seem.

3. people are not static; character changes with circumstance.

...there are more, but these have been the biggest that i can think of that i really don't understand why.

february twelth..

i absolutely love chaley. for those of you who don't know her, she's incredibly talented and one of the best friends i could ever asked for. we stayed up until six this morning just talking about anything and everything. and throughout our entire conversation i was just consistently reminded of what great friends the Lord has placed in my life. Consequently, because we stayed up late, we did not wake up until one this afternoon. after that, i went home for a little while and then went to the gym, got ready and we all went to go eat at ihop in statesboro for an anti-valentines day celebration. here were some really great things about today:

1. we got to hang out with robert, which was nice and see a little more of the GSU campus that i'll be hanging around next year.

2. i had blueberry pancakes...two of my favorite things ever.

3. i realized something that i really need to pray about for myself- patience!

4. had a really good talk with caroline tonight.

right now, i feel like the Lord is placing people in my life for different reasons. However, it's hard to understand those reasons and it's difficult to be patient in doing so. But, that's what i'm trying to do, and as frustrating as it may be, He's teaching me to trust Him even more and wait patiently for His plans to unfold. I hope you're doing the same.

goodnight everyone, sweet dreams.

day fifteen.

first ten songs played on itunes shuffle:

however, i must put a disclaimer on this. i haven't really bought much music since probably in almost two years. mostly, i've been listening to cd's and alot of christian music. i haven't listened to as much secular stuff lately, so this list is mostly a good indication of the stuff that i played relentlessly my senior year of high school. but nonetheless, here it goes:

1. souls on ten- the almost.

2. shameless- all time low.

3. apologize- silverstein.

4. monster- meg and dia.

5. sky command to battleship- the sophomore attempt.

6. stay together for the kids- blink-182.

7. forgiven- relient k.

8. coming to terms- carolina liar.

9. bring em' out- hawk nelson.

10.quiet- rachael yamagata.

february eleventh.

today has been hard. mostly due to the last two hours of it, but we'll get there. my day started out going to go give blood at the blood drive at my old high school. blood really doesn't bother me, so that isn't that big of a deal to me. but anyway, after that i spent the rest of the day in timmy's room just hanging out with whoever so decided to show up. caroline, chaley, beth, timmy, and i finally left the school around five and went back to caroline's house and hung out for awhile. chaley and i picked a rather interesting fight with them about the differences between girls and guys brains, it was quite interesting. anyway, after that we went to eat mexican and then came back to caroline's where we talked for awhile, but this is where my night ended...

around ten thirty, i got a facebook message that came through on my phone from one of my daughters (not literal) from a summer camp called impact that i worked at this past summer. i don't think i've ever had a message break my heart the way hers did. she told me that one of the boys in my group died last night in a car accident. this boy's name was thomas goodson, and he was honestly one of the sweetest and kindest boys i'd ever met. My heart is breaking, to think of the pain that his friends and family are suffering through right now. it's so difficult to imagine that happening to a sixteen year old, someone so young with so much life yet to live. but at the same time how awesome is it that he accomplished the purpose that the Lord had for him in just a mere sixteen years. that he gets to go home and be with the Father? it's such a bittersweet thing for me. I'm devastated and heart broken that's he's gone, but overjoyed that He's home now. I just don't know what to say. After hearing this news I was going back through some old stuff from camp and I found one of the notes he had written me:

Mom,

This week was amazing! I'm so glad that we got to spend this glorious time together and grow in God. I will never forget this week as long as I live.

May God be with you,

Thomas Goodson.

This note, re-reading it, was so obvious to me. The way that he worded things- as long as i live. The Lord knew what was going to happen. He knew Thomas's time was coming to an end and that's just so awesome to me. That the Lord has it planned. And He is sovereign and holy and righteous and all powerful and all knowing. I know Thomas is in a better place, but I'm praying for those who have yet to reach our home. Those of us who miss Him here and await seeing him.

‎"The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death." -Isaiah 57:1-2

day fourteen

a recent family photo

February tenth...

So, i'm officially two days late on this post. But thursday, I didn't do much that I can recall. I think I spent the majority of the day at the gym and then went to FCA thursday night and subway with caroline, chaley, ashley, and timmy after that. Chaley spoke at FCA and it was so wonderful...though I don't have my notes with me right now to go into detail the one thing that I remember is this:

"sometimes you have to meet the need before you can share the Word."

that's so important. and so so true. i'm going to keep this post short, so I can catch up. Sorry everyone.

day thirteen.

a letter to someone who has hurt you.

It took me a long time to get the place that I'm at now, a place of forgiveness and understanding. For awhile,I thought you were selfish, I thought that you were purposefully choosing actions to hurt us, but now I realize that at a certain point, they chose you. Some things, with time, do become impossible to beat alone, and it took getting to that point to understand where your actions were stemming from. but I understand now, and I'm sorry that I couldn't at one point. I forgive you, and I think that's what it boils down to.

-Emily

february ninth...

today has been good and tiring. i spent the majority of the day moving back into my house. that's so strange for me. i'm sort of ambivalent about it to be completely honest. it's weird, even though it's home it doesn't really feel like my home anymore and i think that's the way it's supposed to be, the way it should be. but it doesn't make it any less strange. but truthfully, i think that's a good thing. because it isn't about our earthly home, it's about our heavenly home, the home that awaits us. and the fact that i may be unsure about my home here, just makes me all the more ready for my home that is yet to come. but as glorious as the day will be when I get to be with my Father, I was reminded in church today about giving my best while I am here. about my purpose, about bringing Him glory and expanding His Kingdom, because after all that is ALL it is about.

also, i'm so grateful for my friends and family. for the acceptance that has been extended to me even when it's been hard to accept myself right now. thank you, thank you, thank you.

please pray for mrs. kelly if you're reading this, i'm not sure what's going on, but i know she could use it right now.

goodnight everyone, sweet dreams. have a wonderful day tomorrow, but more so know that tomorrow is a wonderful day because it's from the Lord. Make the best of the gifts He gives us!

day twelve.

how you found out about blogspot and why you made one?

to be honest, i'm a complete creeper. i randomly just click on things and read other people's blogs and one day i stumbled across one that did something along the lines of this and i just really like the idea so here we are.

february eigthish...

so, i'm a day late. but yesterday was extremely busy. i found out that i only had twenty-four hours to move out yesterday, so after lunch my dad and i drove back to athens to get all of my stuff. we got there around four thirty and didn't get back home until right around midnight, so needless to say long day. it was sort of bittersweet. i was sad to see it go, after all i spent the better part of two years there and it's hard to part with that in some regards. but the hardest part was saying goodbye to my team and coaches. running in college was definitely a God thing, and an experience that I NEVER would have imagined for myself in high school. From only running a mile a day senior year to running sixty miles a week, I have been so incredibly blessed these past two years with strength and opportunity.The Lord is so good and provided me so much through that. It allowed me to meet some really great girls and see a lot of my teammates really grown closer to the Lord and what a joy it was to be a part of that. I'm not sure if i'll ever run in college again, or if this will be the end of my career. regardless, it was a good run and i'm grateful for the path that He provided and I can't wait to see what things He has in store for the next phase of my life.

day eleven.

what makes your school/college/workplace special?

if only i had an answer to this question, currently i have none of the above. so i'll tell you what's making my life special right now. and that is truly trusting the Lord. I have no idea what the next few months hold, or where i'll be, but I'm just relying on God to give me peace and strength and I know He will provide for me. I'm giving Him my best, and I know that He'll bless me for it. I'm in a place right now where I am able to fully rely on the Lord and pursue Him passionately and freely. So what's making my life special right now is that I don't know. That I have come to a place where I am not in control and He has to be. And that is something different for me. These lyrics say it better than I do:

"Maybe this is where I grow, when I admit that I don't know. When belief becomes the only way to You."

february seventh...

today i made a choice. more like, i responded to where i feel like the Lord wants me to be right now. but nonetheless a choice that has ramifications, repercussions if you will. for those of you who read this, who don't, or who never will this choice is something, someone that i'd never thought i'd be. that being said, i'm taking this semester off of school. for reasons relating to my major and credit hours, but also related to my happiness and well-being. uga has been wonderful and the Lord has used it to show me some incredible things, but it isn't my home. i haven't been happy there in awhile, and sometimes unhappiness exacerbates previous problems and that's the cycle and situation i found myself in. i would like to say that this choice won't change me, that it won't define me, or that it won't alter the views people have of me. but, i've never really been an idealist. i realize that this will shape who i am and who i become. that some people will judge me for this, that i will be seen as somewhat differently than before. i'm praying about that, that i learn to live with that. because in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. who i am is infantile in comparison to who He is. so if others views of me change, that's something i need to accept. but what is unacceptable is for their views of Him to change. i wish i could say that this is beyond the shout of a doubt the right choice for me right now, but i can't be entirely positive of that. positivity is quite difficult without hindsight and even then, years confuse situations and clarity is skewed. i don't really know what this post is or is about, it's just something i had to say. So now, i'm not in school, i'm back home, but ironically i think that's something i'm struggling with, finding a home (temporary although) and happiness in that. i don't think it's riveting or groundbreaking, i think alot of young adults or whatever they chose to call us struggle with today. i think it's a common problem, but it's also one that i cannot solve on my own. i'm asking that this would just be a season in my life where i am renewed by the Lord and filled with His spirit. I need that right now, but truthfully i think we all need that right now. if anyone is out there and feels hurt or disappointed in my choices, i'm sorry, and i'd like to explain it to you. just let me know, and i'll be happy to try. goodnight everyone, sweet dreams from a heavy heart.

day ten.

10: Songs you listen to when you’re: merry, somber, dull, exhilarated, and vexed. So this one is a little harder for me because i've been trying really hard to stay away from secular music, but I think maybe it's more descriptive if I give you the secular song titles. so we'll go with that...

1. merry: anything by motion city soundtrack

2. somber: sideways- citizen cope

3. dull:quiet in my town- civil twilight

4. exhilarated:light up the sky- yellowcard

5.vexed: you're so last summer- taking back sunday or really any of their stuff.

February Sixth...

i don't even know where to begin on this post. where to start, where to end. my life, my head, my thoughts are jumbled together and i don't see how this entry will reflect anything different. i know that my intention with this blog was to look for the good in my day, to be grateful and it has truly helped me do that. but i also think that it has allowed me to find an excuse in hiding a lot of things, in covering up some things that really bother me. like right now for instance. i have this amazing situation in athens, all these things that most college kids would kill to have, but yet i am not happy. i feel spiritually, mentally, physically, and socially deprived and a situation has presented itself to me to change that. but to change that would mean to do everything that i've never done before, to be completely out of my comfort zone. and now i'm realizing that is exactly who God calls us to be, without having faith, we cannot grow. we cannot depend on Him, and we do not trust Him. The path i've been on my whole life quite honestly leaves little room for God. I say I trust Him, but I so badly fixate on being in control of how my life goes, of what i'm doing and how i'm getting there. i think in this situation that i'm in, He's completely ridding me of that control. He's showing me that I cannot bring myself joy, and to think I could is absolutely absurd. Only He contains that joy and in Him is the only place that I can find it. That being said, I think I know what I have to do, the decision that I have to make. Not because it's what I want, not because it's comfortable, but because it isn't. because it's exactly the thing that i fear doing, the thing that i never pictured myself doing, and the person that i never fathomed i would be. and by doing so, by becoming this different version of myself i think i am aiding the Lord in His ability to control my life and direct my path. But that does not mean it isn't absolutely terrifying. But i'm praying for his spirit of power. To be able to rest in the truth that He is bigger and He makes all things work together for my good. I am truly just trusting that right now.

other than this...today's been an awesome day.

-sunday school and church: what a cool blessing in both. A new take on the prodigal son that was really wonderful.

-discipleship and sunday night church again.

-superbowl with friends...i'm so blessed with such encouraging people.

-and a really helpful conversation with a friend about this whole situation. i love when people say they'll pray for you and you know they really mean it. that's the best feeling in the world.

-please just pray for me tonight. I'm making a tough decision and I just pray that it is the one that will bring Him the most glory and I'll end up where I can do the most for Him by Him working through me. I really really need these prayers tonight guys.

goodnight everyone and sweet dreams.

day nine

Something you're proud of that you've accomplished in the last few days...

first off, let me start off by saying that I alone accomplish nothing that I could ever be proud of. It is only through the Lord that anything that I am capable of is even made plausible. That being said, the thing I'm not necessarily most proud of these past few days, but more so more grateful for is strength. Over the past couple of days I've really had to let people in a lot more than I am comfortable with. And in doing so, I've really had to rely on the Lord. I've had to take a risk and trust people, to receive their guidance and wisdom. It's been rewarding, but terrifying. But the Lord has definitely been there every step of the way.

February Fifthish...

So yet again, I'm a day late. I'm ending up posting two things in one day, that's probably cheating. But it's making me feel a little better. So I have alot to say, but since it pertains more to today, i'll just review some high points of yesterday and explain everything in my next post.

1. Got to watch Beth play basketball this morning, which was fun. she's great!

2. went and saw the roomate with beth, caroline, mary, and timothy. it's a terrible movie by the way.

3. we then ate at chilies, fun times.

yesterday, my prayers were selfishly mostly for me. i've been freaking out about a decision lately and that pretty much was the crux of my prayer life yesterday. i'll explain more in the post to come. sorry for being terrible today.

day eight

short term goals for this month...

1. make a decision, that's more like a goal for the next day.

2. start writing again.

3. get back into working out.

4. spend more time with the Lord.

5. take a risk.

February Fourthish...

Don't let the date of this post fool you, I am in fact a day late. But the date is for my purposes, to keep things straight. But, I'm posting now, so that counts right? Let's see yesterday was pretty great. I had to get some blood work done, which was eh, but fine. Then, I went home and went for a run. I had a revelation on this run- I am strange. Yesterday was one of the gloomiest days I'd seen in awhile, and most people on days like that avoid running, avoid being out of it. But not me. For some reason I have this attraction to the desolate, the mundane, the dull. I like the melancholy of days like yesterday for some reason. I'm not sure what that says about me, that sometimes I enjoy sadness. That I find it beautiful, perhaps that's the writer in me, I'm not entirely sure, but it was beautiful none the less and running and enjoying it in all of it's misery was breathtaking yesterday. After my run and taking a shower, I went with Beth, Caroline and Chaley to Beth's grandparents in Baxley where she went to get her prom dress fixed and pick up a ring from them. After that Caroline, Chaley and I came back to Caroline's and hung out with a friend. Fun times.

As for the Lord, He's giving me revelation everyday. Just not the kind I'm seeking. I'm praying specifically about something, and yesterday I came to the conclusion that I can't hear Him because I'm fervently praying and not patiently listening. Pray for me for that, I could really use it right now.

Chelsea- one of my best friends is recovering from surgery this weekend and she could definitely use some prayers. Also, my cousin Catherine has a cheerleading competition this afternoon, and I pray that goes well and God gets the glory.

Have a fantastic day everyone!!

day six.

90 day challenge- day six: something/someone with the biggest impact on you.

I feel the need to explain before I post. My first and foremost answer to this is and will always be the Lord and His Word. That is the someone and the something that has shaped my life and I pray will shape yours. He has impacted me in ways that I cannot describe, but that's only sensible. How could the Creator not impact His creation? And I would give you second place, I would give you the runners-up to someone and something, but the truth of the matter is that I don't know. I can't pinpoint one other thing or one other person who has completely shaped my life. There have been so many variables, so many lessons learned, so many defining moments that narrowing it down to one would just be leaving out the others. I know it seems like a cop out, to say there isn't just one person, to say it's too many post, but that's the truth. It's a combination of people, it's my interpretation of them and the events in my life. Maybe i'll share the latter one day, maybe I won't. But I think that's okay, for it to be more than one. In fact, I think it's a good thing. To have multiple influences...but then again I'm only young. I have plenty of life, if the Lord allows, to live and perhaps my biggest influence is yet to come. Perhaps it will be my husband or my child. My boss or my pastor that've yet to come. But, in the meantime, i'll keep you posted.

february third...

"we are free, we are free, yeah the Son has set us free. Drop your chains sons and daughters come and run in liberty."

I wonder how many of us really live in that freedom? How many of us truly believe the beauty and boldness of that statement? Do we allow our lives to be a manifestation of those words? A truth hidden by a melody, the reality is most of us would sing these words. We would worship the Father by repeating something we hear or something we see, but most of us don't really believe that. The truth is most of us live captive, burdened and in bondage to the things that He has specifically called us apart from. We allow those things to run our lives, and ruin our joy for the Lord. I think Christianity has gotten so far from those words that it's hard for me to even fathom a body of believers truly passionate, truly unhindered to whole-heartedly serve Him. We are so consumed by the world, by our desires, and even our fears that we have let that take away from complete captivity that He allows us to no longer be enslaved to. It is not only a beautiful picture that those lyrics create, but a powerful one. An image of not just believers, but of children breaking free. Children breaking free from the constraints that once controlled them and running directly into the protection of their Father's arms. Arms that are outstretched and waiting, arms that desperately seek to enclose His children. Arms that were bled and beaten so that we wouldn't have to be, so that we would be free and blameless. Yet, His heart is breaking. Though he did this, though he was bruised and battered and killed for a freedom that we didn't deserve, we do not accept it. We do not allow ourselves to live in liberty, we continue to be enslaved to the world. And I wish more people got this, but that BREAKS his heart. Could you imagine as a Father dying in order to give your child the gift of freedom and then your child just openly denying that. Of them saying that something else is more important than what your crafted them to passionately pursue. For them to reject that freedom, how could your heart not break? And that is only one child, that is only one of your children openly defying you. How much more hurt must our Father feel for the millions who turn away, who chose to live in captivity when He provided for us a way out of that? It breaks my heart, because I know that i've done it. I know i've lived in bondage to sin and to idols, to things of the world, and in return i've missed out on a lot of the freedom that He gives. But no more, as his heart beats, my heart breaks to know the hurt i've caused. To know that I have not just rejected His freedom, but that I have defied a King and a gift that I do not deserve.

Other than this thought, this burden that I have been mulling over, today has been a wonderful day. I ran today, and did a few other things and then played basketball tonight. I had a great and much needed conversation with Ashley tonight and hopefully i'll get clarity pretty soon. I think i still need the advice from a few others first though.

my prayer request tonight is for my friend chelsea, she is having surgery on her foot tomorrow and prayers are much needed for her and she'll be getting mine for sure. goodnight everyone, sweet dreams!!!

day seven: favorite superhero...

i really have never thought about this before. i've never really been a comic book reader, and i hate to base my opinions off of movies or television shows, so i think i'm going to decline to answer this. instead maybe i'll tell you the superpower i'd most like to have. though flying would be nice, or invisibility, i think sometimes i'd just like to be able to hear other people's thoughts. with discretion of course, because it'd be terrible to have some mel gibson moment where all i'd hear is people's thoughts. Completely voluntary, but yes. sometimes, i'd just love to know what other people are thinking, how their mind works, what they feel, mean or even their logic. it just really interests me. best superpower i can think of.

february second...

hi everyone. i'm pretty tired, so i'm going to hit some high points for the day and then let sleep takeover. I got to see so many friends today and I was just reminded of how truly blessed I am with the friendships the Lord has given me. Thought He has had to take many away to bring these about, I am consistently reminded that He does work all things for my good. That He is constantly putting the people in my life that I need and taking out the ones that I don't. That realization and the happiness I felt with my friends today is the happiest I've been in awhile. I'm just so grateful and blessed and undeserving. Great great great day. I hope all of you can say the same for yours. Goodnight, sweet dreams!

day five: somewhere you've been.

Since I really haven't been that many places, I've decided to give you two. Not only a place that i've been, but a place I desperately want to go...

New York City...I absolutely LOVE it there. Part of me was born for that life.

Santorini, Greece...I've wanted to go here for as long as I can remember.

I can think of nowhere else more beautiful.

February First...

Happy February everyone, hope it found you well. An entire month of 2011 has already passed, that's so weird to think about. Feels like it just got here. But anyway, February has been kind to me so far. Strange things transpired today that i'm not sure if I'm going to make public to the blogging world or not, so for now i'll just say this- silencing something only makes it stronger. There's a freedom in expression, in confronting and in facing. A problem can only take up as much space as you allow it to isolate. I'm learning that, and I'm learning to let go of that, but it's difficult and challenging and confusing. But i'm trying. Today has been good for that reason, but also for a few others. First of all, it was Brooke and Julian's wedding on One Tree Hill. I'm not a huge television viewer, but I love this show. I've been watching it since I was thirteen, and these characters are just part of my childhood. And it was just a really sweet episode...made me like weddings a little more..

Here is the one that I absolutely love- Chelsea Brown. What a God sent this girl is in my life, she completely understands me and I can talk to her openly and freely with no fear of judgement. She is a blessing and truly a woman to be praised. I'm so proud of her and so incredibly grateful to be considered one of her friends. What a joyful heart she has for not only the Lord, but for his children. I am continually amazed by her and the parts of the Lord I see in her. Made in his image, all of His children, I believe, reflect parts of who He is. And that is truly evident in here. Not only is she one of my best friends, but she makes me want to love the Lord more. And what more could you ask for in a friend? I am so incredibly blessed, thank you Father!!

a few prayer requests for the day- chelsea: she has surgery on her foot on friday as well as a friend who's struggling with some family issues. Please, please, please be in prayer for those!

Goodnight everyone, sweet dreams!!

90 day challenge- day four.

a habit you wish you didn't have:

I'm not entirely sure how to classify this, it's not so much a habit as a lifestyle. I wouldn't say that i'm a people pleaser, i think the more correct terminology may be that i'm a perfectionist. And that perfection then lends itself not only into my view of myself, but to the view others have of me. I have this need to do everything above, beyond, and better then I think I can. I don't really know why, I think it's just that determination, or resolve that has always been ingrained in me. I tend to do things just for the sake of perfecting them, pushing myself to see how much I can achieve. Some would probably classify this as good, and to an extent they're right. It's what has allowed me to come as far as I have (all by God's grace obviously), but at the same time it is also brings with it tremendous stress and pressure. Not the pressure that other people put on me, but the pressure I put on myself. I have such high expectations for myself, and the thought of not only disappointing others, but disappointing myself scares me. I wish I wasn't like this, I wish I didn't have to feel the need to be completely perfect all the time, and I'm working on it. And as hard of a habit as it is to break, I know it's one I have to deal with or otherwise it could break me.