update and apologies

so, i figured i owe and explanation to the few of those out there reading this. i started this project to get in the habit of being grateful. to noticing the goodness that the Lord gives and to serve as another medium to express praise to my Father. However, I realized recently that this blog began to take the place of time I spent silently seeking the Lord. It began to interfere with prayer and I started to justify it as using it as part of my quiet time. I hesitate to say justified, because at the time, I honestly think I thought that it was okay. That blogging about the Lord was the same as praying or journaling about Him. However, He's revealed to me that it isn't. While this blog is not a bad thing, and something that I still want to do, He's made it clear that His time is His alone and not to be shared. So, I've been taking a break and will continue to do so for a little while until I feel like I won't fall back into the routine I had gotten into. I want this to not be a substitute or addition to the time I spend with Him, but an overflow of the love I have for Him. So until then, I hope you're doing the same.

february twenty-fourth..

hi everyone, or at least ash and chelsea, the two people i know actually read this. today's been a pretty good day so far. I got up and went and worked out with tiff this morning. sadly, that means the elliptical as i'm still trying to be patient and wait for my foot to feel normal so i can run again. but, i know that this is better than pushing through it and hurting it again. so i'm taking it in strides (no pun intended, okay well a little..i kind of like them). other than that, i also visited with my grandma and caroline for a while. and then came back, took a shower and now we're about to go to beth's tennis match and then fca later.

but, one of the main things i want to share for today is my biggest struggle lately. being self-reliant. i've recently gained some weight...about twelve pounds. now, most of you know me. i'm extremely self-controlled and i will admit a calorie counter. so how does this happen? this is how. I started to think I was in control, I began to rely on myself in this area of my life and no longer allowed the Lord to be apart of it. And that NEVER works. I realized after Christmas break that i'd began to gain weight and i kept seeking out answers in diets and more exercise, but never in prayer and petition to the Lord. I don't know why, but I just never really thought the Lord cared about that, so I didn't see why He would want to help me with such a trivial thing. Anyway, no matter what i did, it just wasn't working. So, I went to the doctor to seek out more answers. And come to find out, my thyroid is underactive and hasn't been functioning properly. which basically means that despite the fact that i've been doing right, my metabolism has been working slower than the normal persons and not burning off the calories that it should be. what a wake up call! It became evident to me, when i got these results a week or so ago, that this was a message from the Lord. I cannot become content and in control. I must be in a constant state of surrender to Him, and if I'm not He holds the power to change my circumstances to get me where I need to be. Now, I'm back to square one. Despite that the problem has been answered, I now have to diet to get the weight back off. And this is something that I'm doing only through the Lord. I've thought of a couple of options to make sure I'm making God a part of this process in my life, but I'm not entirely sure which method to take, i'm praying about it and i hope you pray about it also. I know this is my plan- twelve pounds in six weeks. that means an average of 2 pounds per weeks and a deficit of 1000 calories a day. I'll do this by cutting back my calories between 1,200 to 1,400 calories a day and cardio from 30 min. to an hour each day as well as strength training.

1. The daniel fast- I've considered doing this, but i'm not completely sure that weight loss is a good reason to do it, although I do like that it's radical enough that I'd be completely reliant on the Lord to do so.

2. Prayer and food journal- sort of a mix between a food log and prayer journal. Not only will I right all the food down that I eat before i eat it, but i'll also praise God for it. For His provision to sustain me and in doing so hopefully I'll be in constant communion with Him and in awareness of the food I need versus the food I want.

I'm still not entirely sure which option is best, which one will allow me the greatest success- less weight and more of the Lord's presence. I think that's something I just have to be in prayer about. But, my adventure starts tomorrow and I just ask that you all pray for me. That I be in a constant place where I realize that the Lord is in control over all aspects and that I would just give it to Him and allow my goals to be accomplished in His will and in His timing.

day twenty-five.

what's in your bag?

well, i maybe one of the only girls who doesn't actually really carry one. i kind of hate purses, i have two that i'll even begrudgingly use and beyond that i could honestly care less for them. so i can't entirely tell you what's in it, but i can tell you what would be in it. or the items you'd most likely find.

1. cell phone

2. pen

3. gum

4. journal

5. Bible

6. Keys

7. some odd assortment of money (change, dollars)

8. dental floss- that is completely serious.

9. ponytail holder

10. bobby pins

february twenty-first (not really).

So, I'm sorry everyone...I'm going to document the past few days in one single post on the account of I've been sick and mostly chained to my bed. So my life has been relatively unproductive. But, I'll share all the same.

Monday (21st)-woke up, didn't feel so great. Went to the gym. Felt worse. Came back home. Slept, drew and painted then watched TV for a little while and read.

Tuesday (22nd)- Felt fairly terrible. Went to the doctor, got some medicine and not one, but two shots. though they helped, it still was not exactly ideal. After that, I came back home and slept because those shots seriously take it out of you. and then, i woke up watched a little tv, went to see caroline and catherine and started a new day.

Wednesday (23rd)- finally, my life is turning around. I got up yesterday at 7ish to work out with tiff, and it was great. sometimes I forget that I love just waking up early and getting things accomplished during the day. After that, I went home took a shower, cleaned and read a little and then went to Caroline's until church. Church was so wonderful, mostly because I'd been cooped up in the house for the past couple of days and anything to counteract that was just such a blessing. Also, I got to see jonathan, who was a leader in my group at survivor and it was just really nice to be able to catch up with him and hear how he and his wife mandie are doing. after church, we went back to caroline's and just hung out for awhile. always good times.

So basically, over the past few days the Lord has been teaching me about the one thing that bro. Billy spoke about on wednesday. PASSION .it's crazy, because sometimes I'm this completely dedicated, over the top person and then sometimes, i just lack motivation. i really need to get to the place where i am not reliant on a source of momentum to keep me focused, but out of an unwavering passion that isn't contingent upon the amount or lack of time i've spent with the Lord. I'm praying and seeking to be in a place where each day is not simply or does not simply feel likethe continuation of the next, but a new day in the Lord. Pray for me for that please!!

Prayer for others- Jonathan and Mandie. They are moving to Douglasville from Macon and moving is always such a tough transition. And even though the Lord is good, and He is faithful, it's still hard to be uprooted sometimes and maintain a spirit of contentment and praise throughout that. So I just ask that you would pray that they would just be in constant gratitude and be open to the new opportunities the Lord is bringing into their lives.

day twenty-four.

a letter to your parents...

i know you think i don't let you in. that i'm distant and independent and we're not really that close. and honestly, i can't tell you any different than that. but that has nothing to do with the two of you as much as it has to do with me and who i am. i love and respect you both immensely and am so grateful that you are the two people that the Lord put in this position of authority over my life, but i wish you could understand that who i am has nothing to do with who you are or who you've been. i'm not sure why i like to keep to myself, or why i don't share my life with you like some kids do. i can't offer an explanation, because truthfully i don't have one. it's just who i am. i'm so grateful that the two of you haven't tried to change me, that you've respected it and grown from given me instruction to counsel as i've gotten older. but, nonetheless i know this hurts you. i know it's not easy for you to understand that my silence or lack of openness is affection in my own warped way, but it is. i wish i could make you understand that, but i can't. so i suppose, if there were one thing i could say to you, it'd be that i love you both and i'm so proud of each of you and i couldn't have asked God for a better family.

february twentieth...

so today, i went to sunday school and church. came home, ate lunch and took a nap. went back to discipleship and church. talked to a friend for awhile and then came back home. so needless to say, it's been a good day of worship, being in the Word and rest. and days like this really allow me to think about the things that God is doing and teaching me in my life and I want to share a few of those and let me just saw my main praise for today is God's power and ability to not only show me my faults, but correct them. that is so cool.

1. self-image: He's showing me who He made me to be and that He finds me beautiful and because of that I must believe I am, even if I don't feel that way.

2. patience: I'm having a hard time really trusting the Lord in a specific area and I think that is leading me to be impatient. I have to constantly remind myself that the Lord's timing is not my own and that it is better, but to experience His plans I must purse patience.

3. will and dedication: just two things I really need to work on and pray about and applicable to many different areas.

praise: my friend allyson got baptized today! yay :) I'm so so so so proud of what the Lord has been doing in her life lately and how much her relationship with Him has grown.

someone to pray for: my brother...i just pray that he is being encouraged and committed to restoring his relationship with the Lord.

prayer for me: i've just felt terrible the past few days and I just ask for healing and restoration.

day twenty-three.

something you crave alot...

when i first read this, i saw crave and i immediately thought of food cravings. but,i'm not a big food craver. i don't crave that so much as i do other things. and the more i thought about it, the more i realized that i crave perfection. not in the sense of being perfect, i know that is impossible and only one man did and ever was. but, perfection in the sense of the best that i can be. now, to some, this seems smart, reasonable even. but it isn't. because when i don't attain that, or when i let my own self down i become dissatisfied with who i am. i know that's something the Lord is trying to break and rid me of. I'm slowly really understanding that it is not important how perfect i can become, but how i can bring others to the One who is. it's tough, but He's helping me work on it.